You can’t take it with you.
No matter how long you have had it, or how much you love it and care for it, that precious item will be here after you are long gone.
We all have things. Things we bought with our first paycheck, things that were given to us by someone who loved us. We are surrounded by sweet buys and great ideas, and we stack them around us like the walls of an invisible fort.
These are the treasures of our childhoods, the trophies of our accomplishments or markers of our missions. They are the physical reminders of a point in time we want to remember forever.
I love my stuff. I have lots of it. My friends and family could tell you all about my collections and my addictions. My customers at the greenhouse will attest to the living jungle I have created in my Upper Peninsula haven.
I love looking at it, feeling it, smelling it and just enjoying it. But, someday, I won’t be here anymore.
And I wonder …
Who will have my stuff?
My mom, who is just a few months short of 90, has asked that question. She has fought bravely and sometimes stubbornly, to stay in her little apartment until the end of her days. She would tell you that she loved looking at her things – collections of a lifetime of marriage, children, grand- and great-grandchildren – finds from shopping with Uncle Bob.
That time has come when she has to leave her apartment and her precious possessions. She has moved into long-term nursing care. Mum knows she can’t take everything to her new digs, and she knows it is time to pass them on.
She has told me repeatedly how she would like her treasures disbursed, and when she is undecided about a recipient, she often says, “I just want it to go to someone who will appreciate it.”
We all understand that.
I read and hear so often about people who have spent a lifetime collecting things of which their children have absolutely no interest. The kids don’t want to hear the story of how you found your favorite LP in the back corner of a little Head Shop. Their take – it’s vinyl, it has dust on it and scratches – it means nothing.
When you are gone, you just better pray that at least one of your grandchildren or great-grandchildren considers your MCM pieces “the bomb,” or that your 100-year-old china is worth displaying.
My sisters and I have transported some of my mom’s things with her … her favorite paintings, some of her angels, books and her computer (yes, my 89-year-old mother is a computer nerd!)
But there are still rooms and closets, drawers, boxes and bins of her stuff to go through and divvy up between family. What isn’t shared, will be donated.
It is hard work. My mom is still alive, but this hurts like she is not.
She has moved three times since my dad died. Going through her things now is as difficult as it was going through belongings after Dad died in 1989.
Then, they had 35 years of stuff crammed into the house they built themselves, but, at least Mum was still with us and she held close all those precious items of their life together to take along her journey.
Now, she is letting them go.
As much as I don’t need ANYTHING more, I have taken a few pieces that will always remind me of my Mom and Dad and our family of eight. I take them with love and will hold them in my heart as they move into a special place at my home.
I want to be present to give a small piece of my mom’s 89 years of life to my children, as well as my nieces and nephews. I want to experience their smiles or their tears.
In fact, it would perfect if my mom could see their reactions. She deserves that … she is yielding her position as matriarch, as well as her possessions to her tribe … people who would not be here without her.
If she is able to be present, Mum would see their joy at being thought of when she gave away her gifts. She would know that they appreciated something she loved.
This is how it should be. This is how I want it to happen with my treasures.
I think about this more often than I did even 5 years ago. I have decided to come right out and ask my children, their spouses and my grandchildren what they cherish of my treasures.
It doesn’t mean they will get everything they ask for, but it will clear the way to shed some of the many things I really don’t need.
And with all of them growing into the phase of having their own homes or apartments, I might even be able to share some practical items that have accumulated on the three floors of our home.
Then, I will have the pleasure and comfort of knowing things I loved will continue to be loved.
-30-
Beautiful Penny. I too have been giving things away to friends that I know will appreciate them while I am living and can see them enjoy. Some collection I will always collect probably until I can’t and I decided that it gives me pleasure especially my tea cups. Nothing better than a cup of tea out of a pretty china cup. What they do with them when I am gone I really don’t care because right now it what brings me joy. So enjoy what you collect.
Jenette, our things make us happy! I plan on keeping my favorites around me until my final day.
Penny
Thank you, Penny, for sharing this. I am sure your mom will miss some of her possessions, but the most important ones are the memories and family time you shared along the way. I enjoyed working with her. I wish her the best in her new surroundings. Cherish each moment
Val, thank you for your kind words. I will pass your message along to my mom.
Penny
Simply beautifu,well said and lesson for us all.
Thanks, Beth ♥️
Yeah, same with my parents’ stuff. Very sad and a pain in the butt at the same time. Your plan to try to find out what is important to the next generation is excellent.
Thanks, Tom!
Now, I just need to put the plan in action!
Penny
I love this, Penny. You have encapsulated many of the feelings I have had. I, as matriarch or elder in my family of eight, have so many memories of extended family, of which my younger siblings do not. I love reaching out and re-establishing connections with family members who once held an important place in my life. I love remembering how most of my family, on both my Mother’s and Father’s sides, all lived a stone’s throw away from each other in Marinette or Menominee. Thus, my love for the twin cities to this day. Now that my parents are gone, I am saddened that the memories of growing up in Marinette will die with me. That is why I try to share that part of my life with my younger siblings, my children and my grandchildren. I was left with all of my parents’ (and some of my grandparents’) belongings when I took over ownership of our family home of 58 years. You wanna talk about stuff! I just have such a hard time getting rid of things that spark remembrances of my beautiful childhood. For me it’s not just things, but the people who have been and still are a part of my heart. So thank you for this and thank you and your Mom and siblings for still being a part of my life. ❤️🥰
Deb,
Sometimes, just going through a box or two takes too much time and effort. If you do it while you are alone, you are easily sidetracked by the memories. I find it easier to really purge when I work with someone else at my side, preferably my sister Joy – she is ruthless! LOL
I look forward to seeing you this Spring (I hope). I always love our visits and our conversations.
Love, Penny
Oh Penny, your words made me cry as I recall having to empty my Mom’s house 5 yrs ago, when she passed at a week before turning 90 y.o. It took me a good year to empty her house. I had promised not to have an estate sale as she requested. I mailed many boxes out to family members that I thought might like some items & hauled many of her books, family letters, & collectibles to my house after dispursing many items to Thrift shops for someone else to use. I guess it was part of the grieving process for me. I have many fond memories of checking out antique stores over the years with Mom for that special item. Now I wonder too what will become of our stuff! Our 2 boys & daughter-in-law have little interest in this stuff & the 2 grand girls are too young. If anyone visits me & has an interest in anything now, I gladly give it to them! Please let us know Marlyn’s new address. I never sent any Xmas cards out this yr to extended family. Still feeling bad over the loss of our eldest sibling, Ann, in October. She was a collector too.
Laura, the cleaning is part of the grieving process, but it is so exhausting at times. I spent a year going through Uncle Bob’s stuff and I swear there are still some mystery boxes in my garage and basement of his stuff.
When we lose someone we love, their possessions turn into our memories. It takes time to let some of them go.
I will send you my Mom’s address.
Sending all my love to you and Pete,
Penny